Do dogs "meow" in Ed Wade's world? Midol on WNBA's banned list? And Yao's gameface in midseason form.
Wednesday 07-23-2008 9:46am CT
By John Lopez I wonder what color the sky is in Ed Wade's world. I wonder if water makes your throat parch. "Goodbye" means hello. Monkeys roam the skies on parasails and one side of the mushroom makes you larger and the other makes you smaller. This seemingly acid-induced Eddy In Wonderland contention that the Astros still are firmly in the race in the wake of acquiring sub-par pitcher Randy Wolf takes the cake. Or maybe Shawn Chacon did land one Haymaker to Wade's jaw that we didn't hear about. And the excuse is, Wade's still just a bit senseless. Let's recap: * The Astros acquired a 31-year-old pitcher who hasn't been healthy for a complete season since 2003. * This pitcher is 6-10 with a 4.74 ERA, which is Bob Gibson-like compared to his 1-6 record with a 6.63 ERA in road parks. * This pitcher is a flyball pitcher. Has Wade BEEN to Minute Maid Park? Seen left-field? * This pitcher is set to be a free-agent after this season, which is fine if the Astros can nab a draft-choice for Wolf if he signs elsewhere. But all that said, the most bothersome thing is Wade's contention that the Astros are in it to win it THIS YEAR. I understand the PR angle here, but somebody please tell Ed Wade the cow is not only out of the barn on that one, it's on a plate with a side of garlic-mash. Do the math: The Cubs are on pace to win 93 games this season. The Brewers and Cardinals are on pace to win 90-92 games. With 100 games now under their collective belts, that means this Astros club must go 46-16 the rest of the way in order to get to 92 wins and maybe -- maybe -- have a shot at the wildcard. Look at that number again: 46-16! It's OK to be optimisitic and maybe even bend reality a bit for the sake of ticket-sales. But, someone tell Ed Wade the first step toward rehabilitating oneself is admitting you have a problem. His club has more than one big problem ... Congruence of, you know, THAT TIME leads to WNBA brawl I'm kidding -- KIDDING! But after the WNBA's Shock and Sparks brawled it out Wednesday in a bona-fide throwdown, you knew someone was going to break off some smart-alec comment about it. I figured it might as well be me. The sad part is the WNBA is going to have to fine players on this one. Considering what WNBA players make, what are they going to fine them, like a nickel? The other sad part is this is the most attention the WNBA has had in at least three years -- including playoffs. In the sports world, the WNBA is a dead stick. I'm thinking Roller WNBA may be the answer to the league's problems. Here's the video. Somehow, didn't you just KNOW Bill Laimbeer and Rick Mahorn would be involved in the WNBA's first melee?
All in all, it was a rather pedestrian scrape. Given my druthers, if girls are going to fight, I'd rather bear witness to something a little faster. Yao's face ready for Games All indications are that Yao Ming is progressing nicely in the tuneup games China has played thus far. The Chinese have a tough draw with Greece, Germany, Spain and the United States all in their group in Beijing. But no matter how his injured foot is coming along, Yao's gameface is in mid-season form. I know I wouldn't want to post up on that dude:
Don't forget to come see us at Home Plate Bar & Grill today. We can drown our sorrows together, as the Astros scrap to save some face in the day-game after a night-game Business Fan's special against those pesky Pirates ... Programming Note: I figured a hurricane in the Gulf would be a good time for me to schedule a vacation, so I'll be down in Matagorda and Port O'Connor for the next week trying to catch trout that aren't plagued with chemicals unfit for human consumption. By the way, I picked up a few things at Wal-Mart for the trip yesterday and found out what Billy Packer has been doing with himself, now that he's off the CBS basketball gig. ********************************************************************* Who is this Just Because girl? Who is she? Prizes are waiting for you if you correctly identify her and win the daily pool via the big, red bar instant-message tab:
Astros Crying Wolf? And Valverde Victimized By Bucs
"There were reports this morning that the Astros were trying to obtain San Diego's Randy Wolf. It is yet another symbol of why Houston is among the worst-run teams in the sport. The Astros are seven games under .500, they are 12 out in the NL Central, 10 back in the wild card. The Cubs who are far better than Houston added Rich Harden. The Brewers who are far better than Houston added CC Sabathia. The Cardinals who are far better than Houston are optimistic they will soon get back from the DL Nos. 1 and 2 starters Chris Carpenter and Adam Wainwright. The Astros not only are a non-contender, they are a bad team. They have a poor farm system, and they used big pieces of it to obtain Miguel Tejada before the season to fulfill some fantasy about being a contender in 2008. Now at a time when they should be in complete-sell/complete-rebuild mode, they are thinking of adding another bottom-of-the-rotation starter to honor the delusions of owner Drayton McLane. Roy Oswalt is hurt now and, perhaps, the best chance to maximize his value is gone. The Dodgers badly need a shortstop and the fact that Houston is not pushing to turn Tejada into a few prospect assets is baseball criminality. In fact, I think the Astros should be doing what Billy Beane did with the A's, moving his most attractive assets for bushels in return in attempt to set the organization up for a brighter future. That would mean being out in this market with, yes, Lance Berkman and also Carlos Lee and Jose Valverde. Heck, Ty Wigginton would be a perfect piece for either the Mets or Yankees."
We'll certainly discuss that on today's show, especially when Houston Chronicle Astros beat writer Brian McTaggart joins us to take your calls. We'll also hit closer Jose Valverde's 9th inning meltdown during Monday night's 9-3 loss to the Pittsburgh Pirates at Minute Maid Park.
That's one of the major topics on the 790 Message Board today... check it out -- it's blowin' up, baby!
Finally, a couple more shots of our favorite all-natural, all-American girl...
...be sure to pick up her 2008 wall calendar, while supplies last.
NFL Films to name 2008 Cowboys video, "We messed up?" Rockets' Joey Dorsey is not smart. And Danica and Milka in catfight.
Monday 07-21-2008 9:47am CT
By John Lopez Is there anyone out there who DOESN'T believe the 2008 Cowboys season is going to be the most amazing combination of talent and dysfunction since the Oakland Raiders, circa. 1975? Sure, those Raiders teams went on to greatness and this Cowboys bunch may well do the same. But, well, let's allow Fanhouse to put it in perspective now that Jessica Simpson could well be pregnant. And it's still not even August yet: "Combine strip club aficionado/human arrest machine Pacman Jones with gun nut Tank Johnson, the egomaniacal T.O., and the traveling road show that is Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson, with Simpson's diabolical father always in tow. And to top it all off, the team is owned by Jerry Jones, perhaps the only man in pro sports who's more arrogant than T.O. "And that doesn't even get into the fact that this team will be featured in HBO's series Hard Knocks, which will document the team's training camp. "But now there's even crazier news afoot. Jessica Simpson - well known for being Romo's kryptonite - is apparently pregnant. You may have heard about a week ago that she showed up for her 28th birthday a little bit heftier than usual, promoting pregnancy rumors. Those rumors quickly died down, since her agent said she wasn't pregnant (and agents always tell the truth). "But a site called JakeZim.com, which is not a celebrity news site, is reporting that Simpson is indeed pregnant. How do they know? We'll let them explain: '"I just got a call from a source whose friend shares her OBGYN with Jessica Simpson. She said in no uncertain terms that Jessica was in the office right before her last week and that there’s confirmation that she’s pregnant.'" So, when do the T.O. is the real father rumors start? Whoops. I guess they just did ... Joey Dorsey needs more summer school. Or more something. He needs to understand that NBA summer-league ball is not the place to bow up, talk trash and act like a silly kid at a midnight blacktop game. Watch the first 45 seconds of this video. You guessed it -- Dorsey's stupidity ultimately cost the Rockets summer-league team the game. Good things these games don't matter, although the Rockets probably are expediting talks with Dikembe Mutombo as we speak.
Video of the Day: How much would you pay for the chance to see Danica Patrick and good friend of the Monsters Milka Duno strip into something a little more comfortable and finish this argument off in a more civil way? Like in a muddy cage match, perhaps? Who wins? I'd drop a second-mortgage, minimum ... and I'm not even a catfight kind of guy, like a lot of guys. In all seriousness, Danica needs to get over herself. The world does not revolve around Danica. She's a great driver and a proven driver. But even talented people need to realize they're just people ... Her "I'm a tough girl" act has grown way too tiresome. If a guy went around doing the things Danica's doing, two things would have happened by now that haven't happened to Danica. A) He would already have gotten his ass kicked a few times. B) The entire media world would be calling him a spoiled, crybaby brat. Besides, after Milka came into our studio for a couple of spots before a TMS race, she invited me to come visit with her in her tent. That just goes a long way toward feeding an incredible bias ... I'm just sayin'. Here's the video:
You've seen Dark Knight by now, right? Here's a quiz that will tell you which character you would most likely be:
A wine tour? A margarita tour? Tailgating? Hey, ask the fine folks over at my company www.TuxedoChartersHouston.com about any group event and I promise they'll take care of you. Even just a Friday night out club-hoppin' for 30-40 friends won't cost much more than about $50/person including all amenities ... and you won't have to worry about drinking, driving or any other hassles. Or give 'em a call at 713-876-4889 ... Just Because: There still are seats left on one of those Tuxedo Charters Houston coaches for the trip to Gulf Greyhound Park on Thursday, so let us know who this young lass is via the big, red bar and you'll be in the pool for the drawing:
See what happens when you pull Chris Evert? Win your wife's weight in beer. And create your own Vegas prop bet (seriously).
Friday 07-18-2008 9:36am CT
By John Lopez Greg Norman, at 53, has found new life. I think I know the reason why -- he's not the only one who still has game: Besides having her own money, allowing Norman not to have to worry about losing another $103 million like he did in his recent divorce, Evert clearly has worked wonders on Norman's, you know, swing. Norman remained in the lead at the British Open today, with Chrissy following every step of the way. Now, as for Phil Mickelson. Don't all those folks who predicted Mickelson would fill the void in Tiger's absence feel silly? Mickelson has won three Majors, yes. His talent should have yielded many more, or at least many more second-place finishes to Tiger. He's just a soft player, as Thursday's 79 showed. Much like his sorry performance in the recent U.S. Open, which was dubbed, "Phil's Open" because it was on his home course, he's buckled. Choker? It's hard to say that about a three-time Major winner. But Mickelson definitely is an under-achiever. And if you don't believe me, perhaps some photographic evidence will help. When it comes to Phil's athletic ability, creme-filled pink snowballs come to mind. Look at Photo No. 1. Now, here I am 46-years-old and certainly not the athlete I once was back in the glory days. But I promise you that if I squatted, reared back and readied to jump my highest like Phil in Photo No. 1 (especially with adrenaline rushing) ... : ... then I definitely would be able to get more air under my feet than in Photo No. 2 below.
I mean, you might be able to get a sheet of paper under Phil's feet ... you MIGHT. I can still dunk pretty nicely on 8-foot rims and can graze the rim with the tips of my fingers on a10-foot rim on a good day. The photographic evidence above indicates Phil may not be able to dunk on a 6-foot rim ... Video Of The Day: Why Yankees fans are total dillweeds (but funny ones). This dude does pull off a great shot though, with the, "Why are you in Mickey Mantle's outfield?" line. Language warning:
OK, one more Video Of The Day: Win your wife's weight in beer. Poor dude with the wife in the red blouse ... ya gotta feel for him. He seems like a true Monster, though. And you have to like where his head is, entering this competition. Actually, check that. I hate where his head is in this competition. It sort of makes me throw up a little bit in my mouth:
We're definitely going to be kicking this around on the show today. You've got to get on-board with this. And it's JUST FOR THE MONSTERS! My buddies over at Bodoglife.com have promised me that if we come up with a good NFL prop bet -- serious or not-so serious -- they will post in Vegas with their other NFL prop bets, which come out August 26. This is a serious offer. They love the Monsters and love sending folks over our way (Al DeMarco, etc.) There WILL be a Monsters' preseason NFL prop bet. We just have to select a couple of winners. Here's a good place to start on the Message Board. Or call in during the show today at 713-212-5790. I'll start: 1) Which week of the season will Texans quarterback Matt Schaub miss a start due to injury? (I'm guessing the over/under will be Week Five. 2) Which week of the season will J-$ break Quagmire's jaw. (Maybe Week One) ... Don't forget about Reverse Trivia today ... Mr. Walken will be joining us, as well as other special guests, with more seats to give away On The Bus! for the Monsters' Gulf Greyhound Park excursion next Thursday ... Speaking of Getting On The Bus! If you've been wanting to try Tuxedo Charters Houston and the amazing experience on-board, they're running a $50 off per-hour special August 1 and August 2 only. With the six plasma screen TVs, in-motion DirecTV with more than 200 channels, hardwood floors, leather seating, DVD, CD, MP3 connections, bathroom, fully-stocked water, sodas and mixers and more, you can't miss it. Check it out. Or call 713-876-4889 ... ********************************************************************** Now, Just Because we can. There are yet even MORE seats on the bus to Gulf Greyhound for you if you can identify this lovely lady. Nothing like being Queen for a day, huh? Unless you're King for that day, of course:
"Rocket" Spotted At Best Buy? And Who'll Win The British Open?
Thursday 07-17-2008 10:44am CT
By Ted DeLuca
Think Roger Clemens is headed here any time soon?
Former N.Y. Mets clubhouse attendant Kirk Radomski needs a new one of these:
Quinton "Rampage" Jackson has been picked up by police again.
Sources say last night an Irvine police car was waved down by people near the place Rampage was staying who said he was acting weird. This, of course, following the insane chase the day before in which the UFC fighter hit several cars in his monster truck and was arrested at gunpoint.
We're told Irvine cops saw Rampage, deemed him a danger to himself and others, and took him to a hospital for observation.
Cops won't officially confirm if it's a psychiatric hold.
Interesting discussion on the 790 Message Board today... weigh in with your comments -- it's blowin' up, baby!
Finally, back by popular demand -- our favorite all-natural, all-American girl... be listening during today's show for more info on her very special website.
What did brown do for Roger Clemens? Rockets deal "minor" while Clips snag Camby; And Monsters College Football Tour starts Thursday.
Wednesday 07-16-2008 9:29am CT
By John Lopez The batboy has reared his head yet again ... no, not that one. Former Mets batboy Kirk Radomski has found some receipts that would indicate Roger Clemens has been caught in another lie. Radomski provided the evidence to the government that two kits of HGH were sent to Clemen's home in 2002-2003, about the time that McNamee alleges both Clemens and his wife, Debbie, were juicing. The receipts obviously can be easily verified by federal officials and suggest that Clemens had to be aware that the drugs arrived and that McNamee was injecting his wife. Previously, Clemens said he had no idea what McNamee and Debbie were doing in the Clemens' bedroom ... uh, don't ya think he'd want to find out? As discussed on the Message Board, about the only person left who must believe Clemens is his attorney, Rusty Hardin, who gets paid -- nicely -- to believe his client. This has turned from a juicy story, the kind that makes it hard to wait for the next piece of news to come out, into a very, very sad one. Roger has gone from heroic to pitiful ... I suppose, next the Clippers are going to steal all the Nuggets' wives and girlfriends, then spit on George Karl's shoes. I mean, I realize the Clips were one of the few teams in the league that had enough salary room to take on Marcus Camby. But it's irritating when they snag Camby for virtually nothing -- swapping second-round draft picks next year -- while the Rockets simply shuffle around mediocre pieces and hope a rookie steps up. Yeah, it's promising when Donte Green goes off for 40 in the summer league, but if you think that's a good indiciator of what he will be, you must not remember that Aaron Brooks was MVP of the league last year and pretty much rotted on the bench in the real post-season.
Camby can more than compensate for Brand's rebounding and blocks. He's arguably the most effective defender in the league. He's a reasonable scorer and with Chris Kaman could make the Clips a force inside. Meanwhile, if you're a Nuggets fan, you've got to be ticked off. Clearly, they're slashing payroll and this could go down as the worst trade in Nuggets history ... I realize the Cubs are having a good year, but does anyone know what the drinking age is at Wrigley Field? This might explain why once when I was in Chicago, a 10-year-old came up to me on the street and asked if I had any Aqua Velva:
Mark those radio calendars now -- It's football time with the Monsters. Here's the schedule for the Monsters College Football Tour. It starts tomorrow, Thursday, with Texas A&M and of course we're doing it up big, with head coach Mike Sherman, offensive coordinator Nolan Cromwell, color commentator Dave Elmendorf and more planned. Monsters College Football Tour
* Thursday, July 17 – Texas A&M. * Tuesday, July 22 – Texas Longhorns. * Thursday July 24 – UH. * Tuesday July 29 – Rice. * Thursday July 31 – Baylor. * Tuesday August 5 – Texas Tech. * Thursday August 7 -- Oklahoma.
* Tuesday, August 12 – LSU.
* Thursday, August 14 -- National/ conference previews with Al De Marco, Big 12, Conference USA and national championship picks with experts locally and nationally. ********************************************************************** Yow-zers. That's all you can say about today's Just Because girl. Identify this JBG and you could "get on the bus" with Tuxedo Charters Houston to the Gulf Greyhound Park trip with the Monsters next Thursday. And don't forget that my company Tuxedo Charters Houston is booking lots of tailgating trips all over Texas and Louisiana right now. Check out some of the options here, or have one customized for your group of up to 40 fans.
Quinton "Rampage" Jackson has been picked up by police again.
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